Descent

21 – March

This morning I woke up with Strawberry Fields Forever stuck in my head. I woke up thinking I was late, like I often am. It was only eight in the morning, and it was a Saturday. I still have a lot to do today and struggled to mentally plan my activities.

But first, I had to brush my teeth. I was rather excited to go brush my teeth because I had found a new way of doing it – using my left hand to hold the brush. As a right handed person, it’s surprising how difficult this can be.

I had been watching Slacker the previous night before falling asleep. For some reason, I struggled with my span of attention and lost track of the conversations in the movie. Perhaps, it was due to all the stress from a busy week.

22- March

It wasn’t so strange this morning. An early summer morning, on a Sunday. I wasn’t supposed to be up so early. But I am supposed to be at work. Considering all that I’d need to do in those few hours, and all that I have, I really doubt my visit today would have any kind of consequence. Nevertheless, I would have plenty of personal space in the form of an entire floor.

Well who else works on Sundays?

As planned I managed to brush my teeth holding the toothbrush with my left hand. It was a herculean task, but my fingers were agile enough thanks to all the guitar playing. Besides, all the handwork this morning really woke me up. For the first time I stepped out of my room into the balcony lured by birdsong.

How often do you hear birdsong? The last time i heard it, it was at the beginning of a Radiohead track.

I shall have to go to work today, but I will be taking an off tomorrow for a doctor’s appointment – something for which I will need to travel across the city. Hopefully my head will be in better shape after the doctor’s appointment.

23 – March

Why do we assume that time is a single dimension? Why could it possibly not have multiple dimensions within it like space does?

Is it possible that reincarnation occurs in this complex network of time, where you could be reborn in the past?

24 – March

Holding the toothbrush in my left hand while brushing does help. The sudden spurt of brain activity and focus wakes me up.

I particularly needed it this morning because I seemed to have passed out last night thanks to the medication. But that’s good. My brain feels well rested and I for once am not dreading to go to work today. Or maybe it’s because I am simply out of things to do if I were to stay back today as well.

As I brushed my teeth this morning, a DJ Shadow track ran in my head. Particularly this one part with irregular bass and sampled drums. I vaguely remember the synth melody, just enough to know that it isn’t very prominently featured in the track. There’s also the little coda melody from the end of Zodiac Shit by Flying Lotus that loops in my head, almost in a spiritual way. The abruptness and looping of the conclusive melody is hypnotic, and eventually maddening, as if to say the evil, in all its grandeur, is not done with you yet. It isn’t time. Not yet. Nope.

27 – March

This morning for a long time I was trapped in a state between sleep and wake. I was perfectly aware of my surroundings, but I saw myself in a different world. The view in this other world was breathtaking.

I saw hills with trees sticking out of it like little pieces of cauliflower, and distant buildings painted in saturated colours.

27 – April

I feel like I don’t belong in the human world. There are moments when I snap out of the world and start observing people around me, like it were a show on National Geographic. And it scares me.

The other day I was traveling in the metro, and there they were – thousands of people with their hung heads and downward gazes as they all stood engrossed with their little devices, oblivious to whatever happened around. Humans swiping on their phones left and right, attaching complex thought processes and emotions to tapping on simple buttons.

24 – May

I’ve turned into this cold being with almost nothing to look forward to in life. I dream without caring to consider if I’m capable of realizing it.

Organization of thought feels very awkward. I’m surprised I haven’t learned to do it. Then again, I don’t really know if others have, or deal with their own flaws. The sheer diversity in this world has gotten me apprehensive of the validity of my own thoughts. Does anyone think like me? Should anyone think like me? Are whatever I have thoughts? How do I know that aren’t a malfunction? A glitch perhaps?

I spent years listening to a copy of Kid A. By the time I moved to college, I knew every little detail – every flourish, every beat change and rhythm slip. It was a surprise when I realized years later that I had been listening to a damaged version of the album. It was broken, indeed. But not on purpose.

I have let accidents define me.

27 – June

I have stopped trusting myself. Yet I dream day and night that someone would trust me. I play my part in everyone’s worlds, making sure not to move a thing. Leave the world undisturbed as if my existence was a part of this world’s malfunction.

In contrast, however, I yearn to change the world. I’ve felt others change me as a part of their world and I wish I could let others feel that. However, I still can’t get over its ephemeral nature – what good is a moment’s worth of joy?

1 – July

This morning, I woke up with nothing in mind. I woke up into the world as if by mistake. I was unprepared to face the day.

I’m haunted by the futility of my daily routine and soaked in the clouds of recent past. The sugary overdose of nostalgia.

I still am hanging around, thinking real hard if there’s anything left here that I would be interested in doing. The time has gone. I’m awaiting my turn to leave this place.

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One Comment

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  1. I loved 24th May’s entry. I’ve felt the same more than often, and you’ve put it very eloquently.

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